We had summer jobs at a resort in one of the most spectacular places I’ve ever seen. Towering mountains, shimmering lakes, wildflower meadows that stretched forever. We lived right there, surrounded by all of it, and soaked in the kind of freedom and possibility that only exist when you’re young and your whole life is in front of you.
He was kind. Smart. Funny. And he made me believe in myself again. That summer, he made me feel like I mattered. Like I was worthy. I didn’t even realize how much I needed that until it happened. And I fell in love.
But I never told him.
I was terrified of rejection and I believed it was inevitable. I thought saying the words would ruin the connection we had. So I stayed silent. And when the season ended, I let him drive away—without me, without asking him to stay, without asking him to take me with him.
I thought I was protecting my heart. But by letting fear decide, I guaranteed that it would be broken.
That summer changed my life.
We grew up. Lived our lives. Built families.
As my children grew, I made sure to pass along something I wish I’d understood back then:
• Take the risk
• Say how you feel
• Love out loud
Because if you live in fear of rejection, you guarantee the regret.
I don’t know that if we met today it would be the same. We’re different people now. I don’t wish I could find him to see if something is still there.
In fact, I think that might ruin the memories I’ve carried all these years, the dreams of what might have been.
I’ll never know. And maybe that’s the most bittersweet part of all.
In 2017 I went to the Route 91 Harvest Festival with my friends Patty and Letty. This was our third year at the Festival and we looked forward to it for months. We found a great place to stay, a condo within walking distance of the venue and this was our second year staying there. We all arrived on Friday and that night we saw Brothers Osborne, Lee Brice and Eric Church. During Eric Church’s performance there was a guy in his early 20s next to me. He was singing and dancing and he tapped me with his elbow me a few times and said “This is awesome!! I love Eric Church.” Later during the performance, he asked if I thought it was his last song and I said “no he hasn’t sung Springsteen yet, he won’t end it without singing Springsteen” and he elbowed me again and said “that’s right! I love F’n Springsteen” and he started yelling “Springsteen” over and over at the stage.
I wish I had taken a photo of the Springsteen guy, I hope he made it out ok.
Saturday was lazy, we did a little shopping, spent some time at the pool then we met a couple of the performers, LANCO and Bailey Bryan and then watched Maren Morris perform then hung out in the hot tub listening to the concert from our resort.
On Sunday morning we hung out by the pool for a few hours, had free Bloody Marys from the bar, and just relaxed and got some sun. We went to the concert in time to see Big & Rich. Jake Owen performed after them and Jason Aldean was the headliner. Since we got there early, we were pretty close, about 30 feet away from the stage. We had a little group around us that we were celebrating the night with. At one point Patty looked back and asked this couple if she could take their picture for them. They gave her their phone and smooched and got their picture taken. There were a few girls behind us who commented on how cute Jake Owen was and helped us harass people who were trying to squeeze their way past us to the front.
I hope these people all made it out of there.
When Jason Aldean came on, people started pushing to get closer and it got packed up there and I had to get out. I had been in that same spot, with that same crowd all weekend and for some reason, that day… I couldn’t handle it. I told Patty “I’m going to the back to get some space” and left. There were some bleachers behind the crowd and I sat in the top row (about 10 rows up), the Vegas Strip was to my right. I sat down, chatted with the ladies next to me for a minute and before I had been up there two minutes I heard “pop” coming from my right and it echoed down the street and I thought “that was a shot, someone shot a gun on the Strip” then three single shots “pop…pop…pop” and I thought “someone is having a gunfight on the Strip” and I got a text from my friend Wanda who was also at the concert that said “Gun shots.” At that time, I thought this was happening at ground level, on the strip. I thought people were fighting with each other and I was ANGRY with them because I knew they were going to shut down the concert. That was 10:07.
I was looking towards the Strip and the Mandalay when he opened up. I could see muzzle flashes coming from a window. I didn’t realize what they were right away it just looked like a light flashing in the window, but it was clearly associated with the sound I was hearing. Because I could see the flashing light in the window at the Mandalay I thought for a second that it might not be gunshots, I mean, it’s the MANDALAY. The first burst of automatic fire was short, and most people were confused about what was happening. The crowd on the ground started running and screaming and then the music stopped, the lights came on and the singer was gone. There was a long pause and then he fired a longer round and we hit the floor of the bleachers. At least we had the bleacher seats for cover, the people on the ground had nothing.
When there was another lull in the shooting we took off, down the bleachers, through a gap between two sets of bleachers then into the gap between the backs of the vendor stalls at the festival and a fence. People were crying and screaming and pushing to try to get out faster. I tried to calm down a couple of hysterical girls and get them moving and was pretty amazed that I was able to stay as calm as I was. At one point we came to a place in the fence where a crowd of people were pushing from the other side, trying to get through and the people against the fence were being crushed. People on my side were pulling, trying to get something to move and yelling at the people in the back to stop because they were going to kill someone. They were finally able to get the gap between the fence and the wall wide enough for people to crawl through. We were lucky enough to come out into the open near a gate and festival employees who showed us where to go. We made it out the gate, across a side street, behind the Tropicana and I felt safer there because there were semi trailers between the shooter and us. Every time there was a lull in the shooting people started walking, then he started shooting again and we took off. He shot for a long time like 15 minutes (it felt like hours).
I live 100 miles from Las Vegas and my mom lives near me. She is a bit of a night owl and I thought “mom is going to see this on the news, I need to let her know I am ok so she doesn’t worry” so I called her while I was walking. I was thinking pretty rationally so I thought I would just call, let her know what happened and that I was safe. When my mom answered I lost my mind. She had no idea what I was talking about, she couldn’t understand most of what I said, which made me so frustrated and angry that I stopped being hysterical and was able to tell her what happened. I was so worried about Patty and Letty, they were down where everyone was getting shot. Letty called and told me they were ok but still inside and couldn’t get out then my phone died. Our resort was right around the corner from the venue, but off the strip so the cops didn’t lock it down. People were running inside to get off the street and find a place to hide.
I had no idea where I was when I entered the resort, I just saw a sign and went in the first door I came to. It was the right resort but the wrong building and it took me forever to find my room. I kept walking around in circles in the building I was in, thinking “they’re going to die.” I was trying to figure out how long I needed to give them to make it back. Where could I go to find them? whose number do I have to call if it comes to that? It was horrible. I finally calmed down enough to walk outside and look for my building. I went inside and when I got to the elevator there were two young women just standing there looking LOST. I asked them if they needed a place to go and they just nodded. They were stranded because their car was parked at the MGM and they couldn’t get to it. I am so grateful they were there. Nothing makes a mother calm down and get her shit together faster than having someone to take care of. I told them to come with me. We went upstairs to our room and when I opened the door, Patty was there in the living room. I just said “Thank God” and hugged her. I have never had such a feeling of relief.
We are all ok.
“This can’t be real. It can’t be gunshots, things like that don’t happen to me. Where are my friends? This can’t be real. Where is the shooter? Is there more than one? Is he moving? This can’t be real…”
Those are the thoughts you have over and over when someone is shooting at you.
We watched the news all night. Every time I started to drift off to sleep I heard gunshots. They weren’t real, they were in my head, but they were loud and they made me jump and they kept me awake. It didn’t help that the news played those videos over and over. I never heard the sound of automatic weapons before, never in my wildest dreams did I think one would be shooting in my direction.
Every year, an old guy, who always wears overalls, attends the festival. Our first year there we were next to him when Tim McGraw was playing and he was dancing and Patty’s daughter Samantha got up and danced with him. I have seen comments from people who saw him there on Sunday, I hope he is ok, I hope he had someone to help him get to safety.
Last year we stayed at the same resort and met a bunch of people at the pool and had a great time. We all planned to come back to the same place this year and most of us were there. There was a couple there from Canada who did not go to the festival and a group of people from Orange County who did. I hope my Vegas friends from OC made it out OK.
The hotels on the strip near the shooting were locked down. People couldn’t get in or out of them so a lot of people were stranded, not just the concert attendees. We had four people who were displaced by the shooting stay in our condo Sunday night. The lobby of the resort was filled with them. 22,000 terrified people ran from the festival looking for cover. They broke windows in order to get into the resort I was staying in because the external doors required a key card. They ran around pounding on guest room doors begging people to let them in. I am grateful for the way the staff of the Desert Rose Resort handled the situation. They brought us extra linens, they made room for everyone in the lobby, game room, and conference rooms.
We are all OK. We will be jumping a lot from loud noises for a while and there will probably be some bad dreams, but last night parents lost children and children lost parents.
Postcards From Dirt 